HATE

I am so sick and tired of my life. Of being constanty reminded of what a horrible, terrible, worthless, stupid vagina I am. I hate having to live this farce. No one needs me for me. No one wantss me or likes me for me. They only want me for what I can do for them. The house I can provide, the food I can buy and/or cook.  Only the things that my hard work can privide.

Frustrated

Today sucked. My window, 1 of 2 is put together. And I have to make it again. The size was wrong and that's on me. Too much going on and too many distractions when I was working with the artist who drew it up for me. I'm two weeks behind and I have to start from scratch on it. And I have.

Reality is beating me over the head with a two by four about everything I need to do-all I can see is everything that needs to be done around me, all the stuff I "should" be doing daily, weekly etc. All I can see is how far behind I am. What a mess my home, finances and my personal life has become yet again. How badly I am failing at life and "adulting"

Everytime I manage to start putting my shit together and suceeding life throws a curveball and I have to start over. Each time it seems to take more time and energy to do so. And I am sick and tired of it. I shouldn't have to start over each week or month.

I am trying so hard to get and be healthy by eating better, cutting back on sugar and to excercise. So far this year I have been having to start over almost every week! I also think that having to deal with it so often now is very disheartening.

Today the battles sucked and I lost. Tomorrow is another day. May I get enough done to feel like I just might be getting somewhere.

Getting Back On Track

I think I have the beginning of a plan.   First what I need to do.  Reasons why (?). A game plan of how to 

#1-I need to get my physical health on track without losing my mental health
#2-Shrink my taskload-simplify
#3-Improve my lifestyle.  
#4-Budget my money and my time.


I know I am disappointing myself so badly right now.  It feels as if everything I have worked so hard for, or should I say did?  It is all falling apart around me.  Somehow I have to scrape everything back up and put it back into order.  Honestly without constant outside influence and pressure.  My parents, Mike, Aunty, the rest of my friends and family, my clients-I AM FAILING THEM ALL.  

Aunty and several close friends are my life coaches.  I know what I need to do. I just need to figure out the best ways for me to do so and remember to enlist their help.  I need to get my priorities in order and my head on straight.   I need to take control of my time and my money along with my body and property.  I need to schedule my time and budget my money.  

My first priority is my health seconded by remembering work first.  Within reason, but I can and should be working harder than I have.  I have been playing to much. Work first will help to facilitate the rest of my priorities. 

I need to have daily tasks along with weekly and monthly I would imagine.

Also attitude.  I have been trying to treat myself nice and not be so mean and nasty to myself.  This attitude doesn't seemt o help me much.  The other gets me pissed at myself and builds a raging fire under my ass.  The mean attitude works.  It gets results!

Bah, My Humbug Life 3/4/18

This bout of walking pneumonia has really made me realize how fucked my life has become. 

At my outside employment I feel like I am calling in sick to work to much, and am just not being a good employee (read that to mean I haven't the will to be the exemplary employee I think I should be).  When I am at work all I want to do is get done early and go home.  I am having stomach issues.  I am trying to remedy that by not eating at work.  Because I would normally be asleep and I don't get up to eat.  My goal is to get it back to a regular day schedule so it will quit messing with me.

My personal business I am not getting anything done in a timely manner.  Part procrastination and the other part is knocking off when the shop closes.  In the past I worked all evening to get stuff done.  I have been avoiding that.  I like being done and then relaxing and playing.  I have failed on at least two repairs.  My last commission I took almost six weeks longer to complete than it should of.  I am currently two week late on this window, one of two.  They should both be done by now. 
The quality of  my work on this one is appalling.  It is partly the drawing and partly my cutting skills.  I cut just a hair too much off of each side.  As for the cleaning well that's how overdue??? 

House?  filthy, unorganized and if I don't keep it clean no one else will for the most part.

Yard...well it could be better of course.

Financial, mental, physical health...all off track.

I am just half assing everything lately.

ADD/ADHD Revelations

I stumbled across an article about ADD/ADHD the other day.  My Cousin's daughter posted it.  Evidently her young daughter has it.  I found out that I am missing knowledge about it.  I knew about the attention issues and the energy, forgetfulness etc.  What I did not realize is I had no clue of how it effects me emotionally.  This is why I seem mildly bi-polar.  The term used was hyper-arousal.  My highs are higher and the lows lower than a "normie".  We are also super sensitive to rejection.  I finally feel like I have the rest of the dots connected.  I now know that I need to research and learn more about my ADD/ADHD.  I thought I knew it all and everyone else thought I did too.  Or at least my beloved mother in law did.  Evidently the doctor she worked for specialized in it for the first 15 years of his practice as his daughter(?) had it.

Me in a nutshell

This is also how women are taught to be good "girls". To subordinate their desires to those of others. To avoid confrontation. At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel.

I suggest that you give your inner child a hand and help him/her grow. To do this, find a picture of yourself as a child or just imagine a child living in you. How old is he/she? What does he/she look like? What is he/she thinking? Who’s next to him/her? What’s the matter with him/her? ..

Talk to your inner child …

Take paper and two pencils of different colors: one in your right hand, the other in the left. If you are right-handed, write with your right hand on behalf of your adult self, and use your left hand on behalf of your inner child. If you are left-handed, do the opposite.

In your conversation, you and your inner child are alone. Who will make contact first? When will you start communicating? The answers you’ll get might be unexpected.

Now that you found your inner child and started talking to him/her, it is time to establish a relationship with him/her. Communicate with the kid in there as much as you like. Ask him/her what he misses. Give him/her what he/she is looking for. Call him/her by his/her name, tell him/her kind, loving words, give him/her your love. Ask him something.

Be the parent you once needed.

Monday/Tuesday, Getting Stuff Done

My goal today is to get through all my little boxes of dichro and fusing glass scraps. Ideally I'd like to have the majority of my glass put away by bedtime tomorrow.

Order Black Cohosh-done!
Eyeballs in-check
Dressed-check
Stretch
Eat-check

Money into bank account & pay electric bill.

Sword training
Push-ups?
Possible weight lifting?

I met last week's goal of sword training every day, Monday through Friday.  Yay me.



What I did do.  Ended up with a very stiff neck.  Had trouble getting going today.  No stretching, sword training or weight lifting.   Part of the no sword training was because I was so sore and stiff, mostly from yesterday's dussack training.  Went through the majority of glass and put away.  Tomorrow the rest