Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

One of the things I've dealt with this past year is learning how to live without a horrible anxious feeling.  I knew nothing was wrong, bills were paid and I was doing things right.  After living in that anxious, stressed, worried state for so long it took a while to get used to being able to live without a feeling of dread and fear, waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop.    Months later I would feel that dread.   Getting busy at work seems to have helped a lot too.  I didn't have time to notice the feeling.

I'm getting back into the swing of things again.  I am back to training with my sword daily, practicing blocks and dagger strikes.  I've picked up my weights and started with them again too.  

Now I just have to keep up with taking better care of myself.  As my perspectives change for the better I see things a bit differently,    When my inner child rebels and wants to play I ask myself, "is this self-care?  If not then are you honoring yourself? And the answer is generally no.  

A little short and sweet, but I wanted to get it out.  

Loyalty, Commitment and Myself

Just read a meme about the traits of loyalty and commitment.  Trying to write a comment that showed how true it was in my case without sounding like I am bashing or bitter.  Because I did  destroy myself with blinf loyalty and commitment to an addict. As I was trying to think of how to say in a short and simple manner how being destroyed has re-made me into what I am.  I was thinking along the lines of  I have learned....and was searching.  I was going to say I have learned that I must first be loyal and commited to myself.  

But how loyal and committed have I truly been to myself?   Not to good I think.   I need to be loyal to loving myself, respecting myself and trusting myself.   I did good today however.  I bit my tongue, told myself not to let it get to me and managed to shake it off.  When my new boss is stressed, well you know they old saying, shit rolls downhill.  I hate people jumping all over me out of the blue about nothing and I hate how the rules change from one day to the next.  Also less time to do more and then they make it more difficult.

A Light At Last

The past six weeks have pretty much been utter chaos.  I have had a lot of ten, twelve and thirteen hour days.  And that doesn't count working at my own business.  I have pretty much spent the prime of this summer working,  grabbing some food and sleeping.  I have made my HEMA meetings and kept up with my meditation.  Everything else has fallen by the wayside.  Including my free weight lifting routine and my regular sword practise.  :(

Due to the extra work I have actually gained upper arm and body strength.  I believe it is the extra tag prep and hanging.  Because I have been so behind at work I have started jogging and loping from spot to spot to hurry up.  Needless to say my lungs are now in better shape along with the rest of me.  Once things settle down at work and the days are cooler I want to take up jogging/loping with my dogs.  Now that I am used to it I like it.  (So admits the gal who hated running/jogging.)  I have started losing weight again due to the long hours and frantic pace.  This also leaves me to tired to have much of an appetite.

I have spent the past six weeks working on overcoming my childhood PTSD triggers, reactions and coping skills.  Whether I wanted to or not.  My new store manager brings all my issues and bad coping skills to the front.  I am slowly learning how to cope with my reactions to her, my own issues and how to interact with her.  

 All the overtime has given me extra income and I have been able to get  couple of things that I have been wanting for awhile.  I now have a sweet acoustic guitar I love and my steel practise/blunt longsword has been ordered.   Now I have some things that are positive to offset all the hell I have went through.  I have music to soothe the savage beast and if that doesn't work I have a sword to defend myself against it.  LOL

I feel like I have leveled up a bit in my HEMA skills.  I now have enough experience that I was allowed to play or should I say spar with others for the first time.  The first bout I had trouble looking outside of the mask. I think it was because I was focusing on my opponent's sword-not my opponent himself.   My second bout I made myself  watch my opponent's face first, the rest secondarily and/or peripherally.  I love it and find it exhilirating, but I have a long ways to go to learn how to think fast enough to do more than just make one swing at my opponent or block his swing.  I have to learn to think on my feet better.  I managed to defend myself for the most part.  But I never managed to think past the moment and to think how to counter, counter-attack etc.  I also need to become comfortable about attacking.  I found that I like to wait for the other to make a move first.  That results in a lot of circling....

Hectic Days

I mentioned the other day to a friend that I missed the stamina I had in my younger days.  Up until I was about thirty four I was in excellent physical condition.   Remember the old saying of being careful what you wish for?

I ended up going non-stop from the time I crawled out of bed at one am in the morning until I accomplished the absolute minimum I had to have done and can crawl back in between five and seven pm.   I did this for ten days straight. At that point I had not had any downtime to relax-at all. No time to clean house, take out the trash, do the dirty dishes or clean up the kitchen.  No chance to check e-mail or get online.   My weight lifting has been spotty and sword play outside of HEMA  non-existant.

I have done well running so long and hard on so little sleep.  I have definitely been building up that stamina to work longer and harder...This has also kick started my weight loss program again.  I am pleased to say I have kept up my daily meditation.  I have also managed to not lose any ground on my weight lifting either.

I finally got two days off in a row. I don't think I get two days off together for the next two weeks.  After that looks like I'll be doing the scheduling. Hmm.....Let me back track a bit here.  I have been working full forty hour weeks at my retail job.  I have been prepping and learning to take over for my boss who was going on vaction for a week.  Then it was two weeks, and now she has retired.  She's not coming back.  Until she is replaced I am now by default the lead of my little department.  So that includes things like scheduling, and ordering supplies.  

July 11, 2016 Weights, Guitars and Arm Bars

Another busy week.  You are probably wondering what weights, guitars and arm bars all have in common?  Read and you will find out, lol!

WEIGHTS
I have been unhappy with my lack of progress for months.  I just couldn't seem to move past the reps I'd been doing.  Then I switched up to slow and fast reps on the advice of my MMA friend.  (I think I will just start calling him *Jay from now on)  After about ten days of consistant training I upped the number of my reps by five. Three nights ago I had a break through moment-all of a sudden the weights felt like feathers. I upped the number of my reps another five.  The next step will be to add another set of reps to my work out.  I am so gratified to finally see results from my hard work.  It also encourages me to continue on.

I think part of the problem was inconsistancy.  Honestly I didn't like weight lifting, because to me it was boring and it was work.  That attitude made it hard for me to make it a daily habit.  Now that I have become used to it I am learning to love it and enjoy it.  I also believe my daily meditation is helping me.  Physically the deep breathing improves my oxygen capacity which enables my whole body to work better, quicker, harder. Mentally it is improving my attitude, willpower and perception.

I have reached the conclusion that for me all this exercise is necessary habit that I have to keep up. The necessity of it is well worth the overall benefit of feeling better, healthier and more energetic. I am close enough to fifty that I have evidently already hit that stage in my life where the muscle mass I gain will be lost within days.  I can go one day without weight training.  I have discovered I just can't do two.

GUITARS
I played another friend's electric guitar down at the pub the other night.  That was fun and pushed my comfort zone.  I mean I did play in a public venue per se.  May of only been four or five other people there, but I did it.  It may be a small step in the overall picture of things but for me it was a big step outside of my comfort zone.  To willingly expose my imperfections in a public place opening myself up for ridicule.

ARM BARS
I learned how to get out of two types of arm bars this week.  I also learned a little about forward and reverse throws and how to counter a hip to hip check in grappling.  I really do love body mechanics.   Smiles 


*Jay is not his real name

Busy, Busy,

Well first of all I have been extremely busy the past three weeks.  I have been working forty hour weeks. I've been to Portland, Or for the college graduation of one of my best friends from high school and a sister of my heart.  We went tot the Rose Festival too while we were there.  I went with my son and another dear friend and sister of my heart from high school.  We had a great time.  I really enjoyed seeing the ships for Fleet Week.  I took my practice sword with me.  I diligently stretched and trained while I was gone.  *smiles* 

I ordered two crates of glass, received it, cut it up, priced and put it all away.   Made a new logo pattern and made a custome logo.  Have to make it again as I missed putting a line in correctly.  Still teaching,  Have a new student starting tomorrow.  Getting the order for the next crate of glass together.   

I have added thirty minutes of meditation to my daily routine and am doing a free weight routine every day now too.  Taking the advice of a friend I have switched up the free weights a bit too.  I split my reps in half.  I am doing half slow and easy and half quickly to build speed along with muscles.  I think my arms are looking more toned.  My friend who is into MMA has agreed to take me on as a student.  I am excited about it.  The only problem will be coordinating schedules for lessons.  I worried over that quite a bit.  I decided that since this wonderful opportunity exists I will believe and trust in fate to make it work out.

I missed this month's second meeting for the graduation.  The third meeting he had to cancel due to family obligations.  Despite the lack of HEMA meetings we have been given homework to read and study.

Also I have started playing guitar again after ten years.  I am blaming my friends at the bar for that.  Anyway my other son is so nice to me.  He is letting me borrow his electric guitar to practice on.  I play simple stuff.

Well, I have to get back to work on my glass list and studying!

Just Keeping Up

Not a lot going on.  Nothing new.  I was too tired at our meeting on Saturday and ended up sitting it out.  I just wasn't able to track well enough to follow along.  So very frustrating.  I still watched and listened.   I did get clarification on a move we had been working on though.  This one is a block with a fendente, drive one's opponent's sword into the ground, stomp on it.  Follow through with a false edge sottano into a true edge sottano.

I did pick up an escape artist dog out of the street and returned him to his owner to and from my meeting.

I have been keeping up with my push-ups and sword practice.  Still very random with the free weights.  I do them while reading manga or watching anime at night before I go to bed.  I have been out with friends a lot lately at night instead.

Sword training will be increasingly difficult as we are hitting our peak heat season.  I may have to forgo training some days as my o nly free time for it will be in the heat of the day.

Oops, I lied I picked a guitar up and and am playing again. So I guess I do have something new to share, lol.