Goodbye 2015

Good bye to another year.  2015 was a long year in some respects and in others it flew right on by.  It started out a bit rocky as I was grieving the loss of a twenty five year relationship.   I had to truly accept the fact that I am single and the life I had always expected would never be.  I don't think I had ever given up on the idea of "us" until then.  I never expected to have to have to fight my battles and this world standing on my own without him.  I never expected to run the family business by myself or to be my sole protector and provider.  The loss of that was very hard on me.  It destroyed my sense of who and what I was.  I had a lot of anger, sadness, disappointment and resentment to deal with.

I read a wonderful blog post on Suburban Samurai today.  His posts really resonate with me as I understand the struggle.  I too have lived with despair, grief and even hate.  I have somehow managed to make it through and am slowly emerging from it's terrible dark nothingness into the light.  I am learning albeit slowly how to embrace the light and to live again-not just survive.  May I continue to follow the sacred Red Road for peace, happiness and to remember to be eternally grateful for it.

As I look back and try to put 2015 into perspective I realize how far I have come in the past year.  I finally feel as if I am emerging from the shadows after so many years.  I am learning who and what I am.   Realizing that I am so much more than I ever thought or dreamed.  I am learning to believe in myself and love myself again.  I have learned that there is much about myself to like, respect and even love.  I am strong, kind and honorable.  I have many talents and skills.  

And I am learning to forgive myself for the past.

Bah, Humbug? No Thank You

Last week I felt like I was starting to slide back into that grey hole of blah, ugh, bah, humbug state.  I noticed that I have absolutely NO tolerance or patience about going back there/being there either. Realizing where I am at has helped me put a stop to it.  I am serious when I say I am thankful for the snow.  I truly believe I needed that exercise and that it stopped my funk.   I am also making the effort to visit with others instead of holing up with my laptop in my room.

I am also saddened because I have been unable to find any holiday spirit and cheer this Christmas. Since my mom died in 2003 all holidays and special events lost a lot of their magic for me.  That has continued to disappear over the years as I've lost more and more of my family.  My maternal grandmother, my daughter, my other maternal uncle, my father.  Along with this we were hit with the great recession.   Then top it off with being broker than usual this season.

As I mentally worked my way through all that negativity I decided that I must plan better for next year.  In retrospect it the best holidays I've had were when I planned well in advance making things so much simpler.  More often than not I have been a last minute, stressed shopper due to lack of finances.  2016 will not be like 2015!!!  I will be proactive and either put money away for Christmas each month or make/purchase things ahead of time.

There's my pity party, all done and over.  I bounced back into a much better mood after getting it out of my system.   I truly believe the forced exercise did the trick.  I also smudged my room with sage and prayed for the release of the negativity.  Oh, and figuring out a plan to make things easier and less upsetting in the future.

       

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Had another snowstorm over the weekend.  I sure wasn't looking forward to clearing my block of sidewalks by hand.  Heavy, wet snow.  Too wet for the snowblower.  I was cringing as I envisioned my upcoming sore, abused muscles protesting the workout. However by the time I got off work on Sunday half of it had melted away making the job easier.  Two days later when I figured I would be hurting and maxing out on Aleve instead I have awoke and am not hurting.  I do not need to take any Aleve either.  Wow!  And then someone plowed the glass shop parking lot yesterday.  I believe it was Wade across the street.  THANK YOU!

Sunday I really was getting crabby before I got off work.  My goal was to get the snow off the sidewalks and then I could put on my jammies and hibernate in bed for the rest of the day.  Once I arrived home I changed my clothes and hustled out to get that chore done.  I was hurrying because as a business I try to have it done by noon.  Say daybreak is about six am and I have six hours to remove it so therefore noon is a good time deadline.  After that I had an attitude adjustment and between that, the exercise and fresh air I was back in a good mood and didn't hide out the rest of the day.

No HEMA meeting this past Sunday due to the snow.  I am missing them and seeing the other members.  I do know that this is only temporary.  I am still working on the Posta dance.  I think I have step eight down and am about ready to tackle step nine.  I've had days where I have found myself wanting to slack off.  I have managed to keep myself at it. If for no other reason than I know it will help me and make me feel better in the long run. I also remind myself that to learn it so I can be good at it requires patience and repetition. Then I remind myself of past things I've learned that required that same dedication and practice.  Not to mention that there is a bunch of other reasons to keep at too.  I think this is a good example of one reason why one should keep learning.  I find I am having to learn how to learn again!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

I cannot believe how quickly fall is going by.  Time is really flying by.  Christmas is just over two weeks away.   Where has it gone?  

No HEMA meeting today.  I did have a great practice session tonight.  I spent about an hour practicing.  I am about three fourths of the way through the posta dance he put together for us. Tonight I finally felt it "click".  Especially going from the *Porta di Ferro to *Posta Frontale.  That time I did it and my body just flowed through it.  The moment where one just knows-"that is how it is supposed to work".   And then a few minutes later I moved through the first seven steps beautifully.  Now to keep practicing so I can move with my body like that every time.

Keeping the kitchen and house cleaned up so far.  Actually have cooked a couple of dinners the past week.  I tried my hand at making breakfast egg, bacon and cheese "muffins".  For someone who doesn't tend to cook well without a recipe these turned out great.  

*These are two different guard positions.